What's wrong with the author?
by Htress
Summary: Mmmm, this is a weird dream I had when I was sick. I know, I'm hopeless... contain strong hints of yaoi. And silliness. Don't sue me, it was a dream.


Disclaimer

Do not own FF7, warning of silliness, hints of yaoi and extreme weirdness. Believe me or not, it is inspired from one of my fever dream.

What's wrong with the author?

Seventh Heaven

Cloud, Sephiroth, Barret, Cid, Yuffie, Aerith, Reno, Tseng, Rufus, Rude, Elena, Vincent and Nanaki are gathered around a table in Tifa's bar.

Tifa: Er… Guys? What're you doing here?

Cloud: Well, the author forgot us, we are bored.

Reno: In other words, we want to drunk our asses off!

Sephiroth: How could she forget me… *sniffle*

Sephiroth flop down on the couch, looking miserable.

Tifa: Have you tried to call her?

Cid: You dumbass, I told you to pick up the D*&? Phone and call her, but noooooo… Ya never listen to a f&?$ing word I say!

Cloud: I'm not a dumbass! We're locked inside a computer!

Cloud and Cid began to fight, grabbing Barret, Yuffie and Rufus with them, while Reno and Rude are emptying Tifa's beer stack. Nanaki and Vincent are talking in the background. After a while, Tifa succeed to tie everybody down (and save what's left of her establishment).

Vincent: We should go check what's wrong with her

Nanaki: Agreed. She wouldn't forget us like that, she doesn't finished the game, yet…

Yuffie: But how are we going to get out of the comp?

Sephiroth: We could use the ECM

All: ECM????

Cid and Barret: What the f&?% is that?

Sephiroth: The Extract Command Materia.

Sephiroth hold up a brilliant yellow orb.

Vincent: I'm not sure…

Reno: Yes! More fun! We're going to the real world! We're going to the real world!

Tseng: Shut up, Reno… Rude, you mind stay here with the girls?

Girls: Hey!

Rude: ……………………

Tseng: No you can't.

Rude: …

Tseng: No.

Sephiroth: All right, then. Those who are coming stay close to me. …………Not that close, Cloud… sigh…

So the yellow ECM glow a bright shade of, you guessed it, yellow, and they are extracted from the computer. They land in a heap in front of the PC, startling a grey furball (known as a cat whose name is Tommy) that scramble off.

Tommy: MEOWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!

Nanaki: What the h?%& is that?

Cloud: It's Tommy, Htress's cat.

Barret: How do you know that, Spiky?

Cloud: ………… That's beside the point. We came here to see Htress, no?

Cid: Yeah, so where is she?

Reno: D&?% it's too quiet in there…

Tseng: Indeed…

Sephiroth: Let's check it out…

So they part, searching the first floor but finding nothing. They walk down the stairs and enter in the only room beside the living room and fireplace.

Vincent: I think we found her.

Reno sits down on the plush chair near the bed.

Tommy: MEOOOOOOWW!

The cat is startling the bejesus out of Reno and he lands gracefully on his bottom.

Reno: Goddammit! Stupid cat!

Something on the bed stirs up and a mess of brown hair peek out from the blankets. At the same time, a dark animal jump out of the bed and makes his way up to Cid.

Cid: Hello you there cute little doggie!!!! Yes you're a cute little boy! Come on how do you like this? Oh yes! You like it!

Cid scratches the dog's ears. The rest of the gang look at him with eyes wide.

Rufus: I didn't expected to live long enough to see /that/ day…

Cloud: Her dog is a female…

Htress: Who's there? Cloud? I can't continue my drawing today… *cough, cough* Kafée, come back here, 'm cold…

The dog was too spoiled and was following Cid into the living room, where the pilot turned the TV on to watch the Dukes of Hazzard. Kafée sits in his lap and Barret sits on the couch. Reno chases the cat all around the house. Suddenly, Htress bolt upright in her bed.

Htress: Oh god, what time is it?

Rufus looks at his golden watch. (hey the boy's rich, for god's sake…)

Rufus: 2:30 pm

Htress: CRAP!

Vincent and Sephiroth: What's wrong?

Htress: I must take my medicine, now!!!

She tries to get up but a coughing fit starts. Vincent gently push her back and she clutches her head in pain.

Sephiroth: Where is it? I'll go get it for you…

Htress *smiles* : In the bathroom… and if you bring me two aspirin, you'll be an angel. Cloud, why don't you take Rufus and go play N64?

Cloud: Yeah, come on Rufus, we're gonna play Pokémon Puzzle League! I'm gonna kick ya'r butt!

Rufus: I don't think so…

Cloud: I wanna see that!

Tseng: How did he know you had that game? I also noticed that cid and Vincent seemed to be at ease, here…

Htress *sweatdrops*: Err…

Cloud and Rufus scramble off in the living room. Sephiroth comes back with Htress's medicine. She swallows the pills while Vincent feels her temperature.

Vincent: You should rest some more, you have a rather high temperature…

Htress: But it's cold! Where's Kafée?

Nanaki: I can warm you up…

Htress: Nanaki!

Sephiroth: Hey Htress, can I use your watercolor set?

Htress: Yeah… *yawn* make a good sketch of Tseng, I don't have any yet…

Nanaki hops on the bed and snuggles closer. After a while, Htress is fast asleep. Sephiroth, Vincent and Tseng leave the room and close the door. Just then Reno bolt off of the little studio holding some sketches, drawing and watercolor.

Reno: I knew it! I knew it! Look what I've found! Cid's with Vincent!!!!

Vincent: Uh-mm I knew we shouldn't have accepted…

Reno spread several painting and drawing on the table, revealing some… quite explicit scene between Vincent and Cid, Cloud and Sephiroth, some nudes and a sketche of a bare-chested Reno. Almost everybody burst out laughing at Cid, who promptly shut himself in the guest's room. Vincent followed him.

Tommy: Mrow? *jumps on the table an looks at Reno* MEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!

Reno: Stupid cat! *chases Tommy again*

Barret: Foo's a fag… God damn it! Everybody's turning gay! *&??%$%$%*&*&?

Rufus: I'm not…

Tseng: Me too, and Reno's not… Forget it, doesn't count, he's bi.

Sephiroth: Well, Tseng, shall we start?

As Sephiroth open the small case where the brushes and pencils are stored, he notice a fine drawing on the easel. Cloud, turning his back, completely nude, sitting on silky cushions.

Sephiroth: Cloud!

Cloud: Oh… We wanted to make you a surprise for your birthday… Htress thought you would like that…

Tseng: Seph, what am I going to do?

Sephiroth: Take off your clothes.

Tseng: WHAT?

Sephiroth: Take off your clothes. She wants a painting of you.

Tseng: But she never said in the nude!!!

Sephiroth: Of course not! But she's dying to see you naked, she told me… It would make a great present…

Tseng: But you're gay!

Sephiroth: I won't screw you, I just want to paint you. So take off your clothes and pose!

Meanwhile, in the guest room, some weird sounds could be heard. Being directly under it, Htress woke up. She leave Nanaki at his dreams and got up. Cloud and Rufus still played N64, Cloud loosing again. She go upstairs and find Barret and Reno alone in the living room.

Htress: Don't tell me you left those two horny rabbits in the guest room…

Reno: Ughh… they aren't…

Barret: &??%$$*&*)?&?*&?

Htress: they can go like that for hours…

Barret: How do you know?

Htress: I made them pose for me once. It took some time, so they spent the night here. I didn't sleep at all. They screwed their brains out all night long…

Tommy:*Looks at Htress* MEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW!

Reno: Stupid cat! Why does he keep doing that?

Htress: He wants a treat. Later, Tom, I gotta go see Seph.

Tommy: Mrow?

Htress: Later.

Tommy: Meow!

Htress: Listen. L A T E R.

Tommy: MEEEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!

Htress: ALRIGHT! *sees Reno nightstick* Hey, what's that? *starts it and get slightly shocked* Ouch!

Htress drops the nightsick. Tommy, being a cat and all, walk closer and touches it with his nose and get electrocuted. His fur rise in the air and he jumps back.

Tommy: MEOW!

Just then Rufus and Cloud come back from downstairs and the now all fuzzy Tommy jumps on him and hides in his spikes. Cloud starts to run everywhere like crazy.

Cloud: Get off! Get off!

Everyone burst out laughing while Cloud struggles with Tommy… And the door of the studio open, letting out Sephiroth and Htress catches a glimpse of the naked Tseng on the couch…

Htress: God! Gorgeous!!! For heaven's sake! Close that door before I get a nosebleed!

Tseng blushes furiously as everyone keeps laughing and then… then…

&?&%??%$$&*&(* I woke up.

Author's note

I really apologize for those who are waiting for the updates of my other fics… I just gathered enough strength and sanity (hehehe) to archive this weird dream… as soon as I'm better, I'll finish my work in progress. For my fever, I'm actually treated, and I shouldn't bother anybody with such weird fics. But, just in case, you think I need a therapy? Now I gotta go. I'm starting to see pink fluffy bunnies on my computer screen. I hate fluffy bunnies.


End file.
